Not asleep, because I can’t breathe…

… and all I can think about are the same questions listed over and over again. Did you finish that? What do you have to do next? Did you do it well enough? Are you gonna fail? You better not fail. One o’ clock in the morning and have yet to get a good night’s sleep for work the next morning.

Wait, but you can’t fall asleep yet, you have to worry about this other thing. Overthinking is bad, overthinking is bad, overthinking is bad. But you should worry because it’s the right thing; you need to be thinking about these things. Don’t cry, wait don’t cry, stop crying, I didn’t mean to make you overthink. But you might fail if you don’t stop thinking. Actually, keep crying, because it just shows how crazy you are inside.

Two in the morning. Bawling under the blankets. My partner doesn’t know; he’s dead asleep and blissfully enjoying his stay in Dreamland. He doesn’t care, no one cares. You’re a failure. No, but I’m not a failure, I’m not a failure! Yes, you are, what have you ever accomplished? Stop that, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t fucking breathe, stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking.

Work the next morning. Get up, get up. No, just stay in bed, do yourself a service by not interacting with anyone. Skip class, skip your meetings, skip work; don’t do this to yourself. I gotta go to class; my teachers take attendance and I gotta work to make money and those meetings are mandatory. You’re going to hate today, you’re gonna regret getting out of bed. You’re gonna regret staying at home. You’re gonna wish you listened to me. I know you can’t handle today. You don’t want to handle today.

“How are you?” “Good.” Smiles. You’re a liar.

“Hey, how are you today?” “I’m good.” Smiles. Nods. You’re such a liar. How could you lie to their faces?

“Excuse me, is this my drink?” “Yes, you ordered a white chocolate latte?” I could explode right now, they’re all looking at me like I’m stupid. 

“Hi, what can I get started for you today?” Stop fumbling with the money, can’t you count like a normal person? It’s just change, stop shaking. Why are you afraid? Why are you so afraid right now, you do this EVERY DAY. You’re so clumsy, you dropped all their change! Get your shit together, you clumsy ass! You’re the worst, you’re the absolute worst. You can’t be normal for a second. “Sorry, here’s your change! I’m so sorry!” Customer leaves and scoffs.

You fucked up today, you messed up big time. That was the worst thing you’ve ever done. Your entire day is going to be ruined. Good luck at the four meetings you have today. Stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking just for a damn second. You could try a little harder and people would appreciate you more. Will you stop — no, honestly you could die right now and no one would notice. What are you saying — you know I’m right.

No stop, I can’t think about things like this right now; it’s only 10 in the morning and I have eight hours to go. Good luck, it’s going to be a crappy day. I know, you told me this morning. Yeah, but it’s going to be really shitty. Everyone’s disappointed in you… you can see it on their faces. What do you mean? You’re not hot shit, you’re just shit.

Eight hours of mediocrity and inattentiveness. Twenty-minute car ride home in silence. Except I’m still here, and today was awful. Yesterday was awful, too. You need to try harder to not be like this. I can’t help it. You didn’t listen to me this morning; I told you you’d feel better if you stayed at home. I can’t just stay at home and not be productive. You’re not even productive at school, you’re the absolute worst! You could have gotten so many things done today but you chose to talk to your friends instead. You chose your social life over school. I can’t help it, I need my friends. Friends come and go but you need to focus on school and your career. No that’s wrong, you’re wrong.

I’m right, you know I’m right. No stop, stop stop. Scream. Scream. Scream to block out the thoughts. Turn up the music a little louder. Full blast. No room to think, no time to think, just scream, scream, scream. Keep screaming.

Home. Pet the cat. Kiss the boyfriend. Remember all that shit you hadn’t studied for? All that shit you hadn’t touched? You need to do it right now. You’re going to fail. 

“Hi, how was your day?” “It was good. I’m tired.” You say that every day. It’s true. But you’re also a liar. I’m not lying, I’m actually tired. But it wasn’t good. It was awful. It was the worst day ever. It’s actually fine. It’s over, I’m fine. You shouldn’t have left your bed this morning. Stay in bed, stay away from people, stay away from yourself. I can’t be this negative, I need to be positive. Think positive thoughts. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. He can see right through you. Stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP, STOP, STOP, HOLD IT IN, HOLD THE FUCKING TEARS IN. DO NOT START CRYING. Save it for later.

I’m not asleep, I can’t breathe and all I can think of are the same questions listed over and over again. Did you finish that? What do you have to do next? Did you do it well enough? Are you gonna fail? You better not fail. One o’ clock in the morning and have yet to get a good night’s sleep for work the next morning.


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